Life...

How is a person's life defined? By the monetary gains that they have experienced throughout their years of living? Through their successes, advancements, awards, career? Through their decisions, region of residence, faults, losses or wins? Or is someone's definition of their life something that they believe in...a quote? a lyric? a movie? Something that resonates within that person's soul? Soul. Interesting and deep word. A life is something that has a span of years of living, breathing, moving, talking. A soul is something much deeper - an energy, something that can be carried on through eons and eons; it experiences so much more. A body is just the shell for the soul. When someone passes on, they just leave this material world and their body behind, but their soul lives on to continue to effect those that they have blessed with their presence in their lives.

The hardest part about the end of one's life, is that you will not have this person's touch, smile, or embrace to warm you and make you laugh or feel loved each day. Instead, you will have the memories of these smiles, of your laughing fits, of the stories told and the inside jokes that were shared. However, you will also have that perfume on the breeze reminding you that this soul is watching over you, that caress of your face to let you know that everything is ok, that feeling of electricity through your veins to let you know that you are loved and being looked after.

My good friend, Margot (age 98) is at the crossroads point in her life, and selfishly, I wish for her to stay behind, although I know God has other plans for her brilliant, beautiful, and amazing soul. This woman has made me laugh, she has made smile, she has made me rethink things in life, she has made me believe in myself when there was doubt, she taught me how to be strong, and she taught me how to live. Here is a woman who prided herself on everything she has done, being able to "talk and get paid for it" (she was a tour guide in NYC...imagine, someone who talked as much as me), relished in her adventures around the world and the accomplishments she has acquired, she enjoyed every moment of life, and is not scared for this future that is ahead. One of my favorite quotes from her (among MANY) is "If I wake up in the morning and I know who I am and where I am, it's a perfect day." She has this insane humor about everything.

I'm really glad I was able to see her in the hospital when I visited New York in March and give her a kiss and a hug. She was also thrilled to see me. Apparently, she still always talks about it. For me, it makes sense for someone who is has lived 98 years of life to have made such an impact and a difference on my life. For me to hear that I, who have only been around for 25 years, have made the same impact and difference on that 98 year old brings me to tears because it's something one would never think is possible. Age is just a number...everyone has something to share, to teach, to learn from.

This brings me back to my original question, what is it that defines a person's life? Maybe it's defined by the lives you have touched and the lives that have touched you...Maybe it's from the love that you share with another person. I don't think it matters. I think what is important is that you live today the way you want to live it because why would you ever waste a day on regret or sadness when you could have had a beautiful spirit like Margot's to influence your life.

Smile. Live. Love.

Margot, you are in my prayers...Margot during one of our Intergenerational classes.

Realizations...

This morning I went on my computer, per usual, and began my ritual checking of sites - facebook, gmail, etc. On facebook, someone had posted a video of some music (I, for the life of me, cannot remember what it was, and don't feel like backtracking my day...because I honestly don't remember who posted it either. Not important to the story...), so I clicked on it. As you know, you tube is a whole web of links and other music. Eventually, I ended up at a music video for Michale Jackson's "We are the World" which was re-recorded in 2010 with superstar artists to benefit Haiti. It was such a beautiful spin and a stunning remake. I'm not going to lie - I definitely teared up. I tend to do that when I see or feel so many people so passionate about one thing - in this case, it was to help other people in the world so that they could live. When you have so much good energy, light, love, and passion pouring out from one central source - it's like the rays of the sun - blinding, warm, and powerful.

I walked down the street with the sun's rays enveloping my body and warming my soul, and eventually reached my little black-as-night Ford Focus. I opened the car door, sat in the sweltering heat for a moment and turned my key in the ignition. Windows open. Warm air blowing past my cheeks and swirling in the emptiness in my car. That song was still resounding in my head; it had made a lasting effect. Then the thought hit me: I know what my ultimate goal is. (Backstory: I talked in a blog post a few months ago that many people have been asking me what my "ultimate goal" was, or where I see myself in 10 years, where I want to be, etc. My answer is generally "I don't know" or "happy." I never had an ultimate goal - I just know of things I want to accomplish...) Ok. I decided that my ultimate goal is: to make a difference in the world. Vague? maybe. However - powerful. I have always been a dreamer, a planner, but I have always been a person that if I set my mind to something, I always accomplish it. Some of the people in my life say that's something they can definitely say about me - is that no matter what I say I'll do, no matter how outlandish it may seem - if I say I'm going to do it, they know I'm going to do it. Therefore, I'm stating now: I am going to make a difference in the world. I will make a difference hands on, as well as through my talents, gifts, and craft. Those are some pretty big words to fulfill, but I know that I can accomplish it. As much as I believe in myself and think of myself and my goals, I also just as selfless and loving and caring.

In Eat, Pray, Love, the character of Liz has a birthday coming up. At this time, she is staying in Bali. She emails all of her friends and tells them that instead of her throwing a big birthday party and receiving lavish gifts, she would like them to write a check instead so that the healer in town, and single mother, may buy a home...because divorced women were looked down upon. She raised $18000 and the woman and her daughter were given a house. A house. A home. Something that so many of us, even myself, take for granted on a daily basis. The simple act of giving, of being selfless, is the most beautiful trait a person can possess and act upon.

I spent the morning going over my script and developing my character. I spent two hours just walking around the apartment as this character, running lines, improvising lines, finding the character's personality and physicality. I researched different aspects of the character that pop in my mind and I maybe wouldn't understand or would need a visual for. For example, the elements of fire, the color purple, an old castle, a sorcerer's cloak - all things that connect with the character in some way. Putting these together and "inside" what I am doing when developing the character help the process to flow, to be organic, to be free and original. I had an absolute blast. I was, again, re-inspired. How could this not be what I spend my life doing? The amount of work, passion, and love that I put into what I am doing is rewarding and fulfilling. That being said, we had our first rehearsal since the table read today. The difference between this rehearsal and the first rehearsal of "Shudder" is astonishing. I am so much more free, so much more prepared and ready, so much more creative, daring, and bold with my choices. I feel like a true professional in my craft. It's amazing the transformation that I have gone through not only as an actor, but as an individual, even in just these past few months. It's thrilling.

I was talking to a friend the other day; an actor friend. She said that she had just reached the point where she called herself an "actor." I congratulated her and told her I understood. People, including myself, for so long would say "So, you want to be an actor" or "I want to be an actor." I was even actually ashamed at times to say I was because everyone in the city was and actor, and there was a stigma about it and was this profession was sometimes looked down upon. Then, at one point in NYC, it clicked and changed over to "I am an actor." Why should I be ashamed of who I am? Of what I'm good at? Of who I am? I shouldn't be. I should be confident because I know myself. Therefore, when people said "Oh, so you want to be an actor," my response became "No, I am an actor." There's the difference...the difference between me and all of the other people vying and pushing and shoving to get their chance in the spotlight. I am me. I don't play that game. I love it for the art, for what acting gives to me and to what it gives to the people who get to see me perform. It's much more than just "acting," it's an opportunity to tell a story and change someone's life, to make a difference...and then it comes full circle for me, right? To make a difference in the world...

I've quoted it before, I'll quote it again:

"If you can dream it, you can do it." - Walt Disney

I have big dreams, big plans, big hopes, lots of love...

The Naked Grape

The title of this post is the brand of Pinot Grigio I am drinking right now. It was only $6, and is amazing. It's the right amount of dry with the right amount of sweet. It's perfect...and perfect for me in this moment. I find that when I become sad, upset, or down, a glass of wine and a good talk with a friend is all it takes to bring you back to your normal self. That being said, don't you find it amazing how how your friends know exactly when you need them to call you? I was kind of having a rough day, for many reasons - some trivial, some recurring - all issues that can be easily overcome, and when I got home from work I just lied down on my bed. Here I was, a twenty five year old curled up in a fetal position on my bed because I couldn't luster the energy to do anything else. I decided it was time for my pick me up - a glass of wine and some veggie pizza. On my way, a friend called. We talked for an hour about anything and everything, and by the time the phone convo was done, I was back to myself. Isn't it amazing how certain people can have that effect on you. The crazy thing is - they're not even trying: they're just being themselves. Do you ever stop and wonder why certain people were put into your life and at the exact times they were put into it? I do, but then I have to stop myself...because I wouldn't have it any other way and I am so thankful that I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life.

I worked at a different store today. It was really bizarre. I'm ridiculously close with everyone I work with and they're my closest friends outside of work, too. So, being in this new place was so weird and new to me. The store was really small and really slow - completely opposite of mine. And the people I worked with enjoyed drama - completely opposite of mine. I felt like there was more of a competitive atmosphere when they would discuss their "other" lives - outside of Starbucks. aka modeling, acting, etc. Whereas, at mine, everyone is sooooo supportive of everyone else and is only encouraging and uplifting to you and whatever it is that you do. While working at this store today, I literally stopped and thought and questioned...why was it that out of everywhere that I applied, and all of the different Starbucks I applied to, why was it this one that I ended up at? I know it was because I meant to have these beautiful people in my life as an addition to my family. I cannot even express how blessed I am and feel. It's amazing.

Speaking of amazing people - Jamie Lynn is coming to visit this weekend. I cannot even wait to have her in my life. It has been far too long. The last time I saw her was when mom and I stopped in Phoenix on our way to LA. It's going to amazing and wonderful. Her, Melissa, and I will get to spend the whole weekend together. So excited. Then, in June, Julie is coming to visit, and I CANNOT wait for her to get her butt here, either. In less than a month I'll be in Michigan celebrating the marriage of Jack and Tora. I can't believe it's already this close! I'm stoked to see the family and be stupid and ridiculous and laugh a lot. A lot of great things coming up in the next couple of months.

Live in the moment. Breathe in Today.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love again. I feel like I may be on this quest, as Liz (the title character, played by Julia Robartes) is. She ventures across the world - to Rome, India, and finally Bali to find a balance, a peace, an understanding. Throughout the course of this journey, she meets new friends, experiences anything and everything, and learns from every experience. I'm already sort of that way with the way I live my life. I do also feel I need to visit Bali sometime...soon. At times when I feel the lowest or like I cannot climb back up once I have fallen, I find the positivity and the light and I get myself up, stick on a band aid, and continue journeying through life. There's a quote from the movie that I wrote down and loved, "Ruin is the road to transformation." How true that is. Sometimes you have to get to the bottom to find your way to the top. It's what's in between that makes all the difference.

...I have been sitting here for 15 minutes pondering "Ruin is the road to transformation" while staring in space and allowing my mind to wander. I advise you to do the same and see where it takes you; you may be surprised by your visceral journey.

Another Time and Place

Cheering. Joy. Happiness. Smiles all around. Hugging. Kissing. Celebrating. This was my eye witness experience today at Venice Beach. The lingering smell that was in the air? Oh, that would be the smell of marijuana. I never knew how big of a holiday, if that is what it is, that "420" was. If people could be that happy all the time, the world would be such a better place. It was as if everyone was just genuinely happy to be alive and everyone loved everyone. Now, I've never touched the stuff in my life, nor do I have a desire to, but today's events proved to definitely make our day at the beach an interesting and fun one.

The crazy waves at Venice Beach

It's amazing how the warmth of the sun can make you feel like a different human being. The winds that touch your face give you a feeling of hope and love. The salty scent washed in from the ocean gives you that feeling of comfort. The sounds of the waves caressing the sandy shores or crashing against the rocky barriers that give you that sense of calm and freedom. The sensation you feel at the close of the day after spending hours in the wake of all of these sensory experiences. Today was exactly what I needed. Isn't it interesting how sometimes you are led to situations that you need that you don't even necessarily know you need? I needed a day with no stress, no worries, no feelings of foreboding, and that is what I got. I got a day with nature and a best friend. What more could you ask for? It's an amazing feeling to have a friend that you can either spill your guts to, or walk or sit in silence, but in essence, enjoy each others' company. It's a rarity, and I consider myself blessed to have a few of these amazing souls in my life.

Melissa and I trying on hats in Venice. Mad Hatters?

Impulse. I'm not an impulsive person. Rephrase: I never used to be an impulsive person. I would never just go out on a whim and do something. I never went to the movies without checking the listings first. I would never just buy something on the spot because I liked it. Is it really impulse, though, or is it listening to your heart? to your soul? I'm not quite sure I believe so much in the word impulsive anymore, as I do listening to your heart. Impulse is maybe led by your heart and your soul and the reason you follow these instincts is because you're in tune to it? Not sure. Point is: I bought a bracelet from one of the vendors on the boulevard today. Out of the many, many, many stands, I was drawn to this particular one...actually, Melissa and I both. My eyes went directly to the bracelet. I picked it up. Put it on. And bought it. Instantly. We were at the table for maybe 30 seconds. That generally is not like me. However, who is me? My thoughts? My mind? The meanings behind the beads and the colors represent so many aspects of me...the fact that they have meanings is a huge thing for me, too. I love having things around me with meaning and stories. That is why I love my paintings and pottery pieces in my room so much - they were all created or given to me by people I love. The pictures I have up - all represent some beauty in my life and an exciting excerpt from my journey. My kitchen table - owned by the talented Myrna Dell from the 40's. Everything was created, used, loved, and has a life and a story from the moment it was created in someone's mind eye until it was physically visible to the naked eye. I appreciate the life of each item.

Take life in and allow yourself to be in another time and place once in a while...you'll feel refreshed and alive.

Let It Be

Random occurrences of inspiration are surprising and welcoming all at the same time. The last few days have been just that. I've had my "eh" moments, of course, I mean, I work with the general public on a daily basis...I'm going to have my moments. Aside from that, though, I feel like I'm in a good place. I'm sort of becoming rejuvenated; as spring is reemerging, so is a lot of my creativity.

I think my transition has a lot to do with my conscious effort to make a change, a cleanse if you will. I began my healthy lifestyle again that I used to be pretty hardcore about. I'm checking and making sure I know exactly what is entering my body - reading labels, buying certain foods and not buying others, skipping the high sugar or sodium option for something healthier...and in just the few days I've done this, I've felt a dramatic change in me. I actually feel lighter. I feel freer. I feel rejuvenated in a sense. I felt so bogged down when I wasn't feeding my body what it needed. This just goes to show how much a simple change in diet can totally change your daily life. On top of that, I'm making sure I wake up early to work out a bit, as well as become productive. It's a really great feeling to feel accomplished. Instead of stressing about all of the things I have to do, I'm focusing more on the moment and doing what I can...You're only one person. Besides, stressing does nothing except make you feel miserable. By consistently looking at everything ahead, you forget to take in the present. Sometimes you don't even realize you are doing this until the moment is passed and you're looking back on it...So, a note to you: take in everything around you, every moment. Breathe the air, smell the winds, feel the sensations around you, and smile...because you are living.

When I see something as a result of someone's passion, I am inspired. When I hear someone speak of something they are passionate about - whether acting, writing, teaching, or even accounting - I am inspired. When I see people truly enjoying what they have set out to do in life - I am inspired. To see someone follow and accomplish their dreams - I am inspired. To see someone smile - I am inspired. It's a beautiful gift to have a passion and a love for something so great that once you are there, all you can do is revel in the beauty and share it with the world. That's what your passions are there for, right? To breathe it in, to allow it to encompass you, and then to ultimately share and influence. Glee inspired me tonight, as it usually does. Why? Because these actors came from nowhere and are doing what they love everyday...what I love...singing, dancing, and acting...and they're sharing they're passions and gifts with the world and making a difference - that's the best part. They are constantly changing lives and truly inspiring, with whatever storyline or song that may be present at the time. I hope that I will have the opportunity one day to share my passion like this, to make a difference, and to ultimately change someone's life. I want to use my gifts and talents to give back...in whatever form "giving back" may take - whether it's to make someone smile, to make someone shed a tear, to relate to the character, to the song, to open your eyes to some important issue. I just want to give and inspire with what I have been given. People always ask me what my "ultimate goal" is, and honestly, I never truly have answer...or an answer they like. It isn't to win an oscar, or an emmy, or to be on the cover of a million magazines (although those would be great along the way), it would be to make a difference...to give and inspire with what I have been given. Yep. I think that sounds about right.

I found out today that one of our customers' dogs passed away this weekend. It got me thinking about Cassie and how much I love and miss her and can't wait to give her a big hug and kiss when I'm home in May. She's the most amazing dog in the world...almost human, as Grandpa would say. She's been a best friend through everything and I love her...and I also love our newest addition to the family, Lola.

Sleep

The sun's rays have been been poking at me from around corners, through the leaves and branches of the trees, through the window shades, through the clouds, and through all of the sky so that it may leave kisses on my skin. It has succeeded. Although the past few days have been absolutely beautiful and warm, I have been stuck inside looking longingly at a vibrant sunlight that I am used to having soak my skin for 8 hours of work a day. However, in the little bit of time I have had outside, I have managed to garner a slight golden flavor to my skin, and it makes me a happy and healthy individual.

I'm on a course of reorganization and transformation. I have been reorganizing my life and attempting to consciously put in the efforts (which is a lot) to better myself and continue forward on my path of life. Each evening, or as the day goes on, I have begun to make lists of things to do that I, in fact, have been accomplishing by day's end. This is a huge feat considering I do not have much time in a day because my shift at work is generally 12-8:15 - right in the middle of the day. However, everything happens for a reason, and I meant to be doing what I am currently doing. Good things come to those who put out good energy. I was reminded this week of a time in my past when I used to get frustrated with the little things - minuscule actually. It's pointless, and negative energy like that doesn't need to be thrown into the universe; there's enough of it. I'm now at a point that if something is really irritating me, I step back, breathe, analyze, and step back in realizing that it is better to look at things from a different perspective. This is somewhat difficult at times because of the rudeness that many people display on a daily basis...after a while it gets to you. I will, however, be making even more of a conscious effort to not allow these things to effect me...and I will succeed.

At the beginning of the month, I had a feeling that a lot would be happening really soon...and I was right. I was just cast in another production at Zombie Joe's Underground Theatre; it's a new play based off of Hamlet. I'm really excited to be in another production and be able to use my artistic abilities to create characters; I love it. The director had seen me in "Shudder" and called me to be in her show because she enjoyed my performance so much. I was truly honored and taken aback by the phone call, and am thrilled to be a part of it. On another acting note, I have gotten three auditions within the last two days. However, I cannot make two of them because of my now full schedule. That positive energy just needs to continue to be sent out and good things will return. I'm in love with the present, but I am excited for what the future may hold, also.

One of the greatest things about my time in LA so far is that I have made some truly great friends and met some really amazing people. It's funny how the universe has a way of throwing certain people into your life. I have been blessed with the people and friends I now have in mine. They make me laugh, they make me smile, and they complete me. It's a beautiful thing.