Art.

Nothing compares to the love of the art. Nothing. I've tried. Nothing can compare to the feeling that art evokes; that it inspires; that it divulges. It may or may not be a simplistic piece that ultimately can change everything. Beautiful. Ugly. Doesn't matter. Subjective/Objective opinions. The thing is: it exists.

Throughout the past week, I've had more conversations or experiences with art than I have in a few months...maybe even since I was in New York. It's thrilling, enlightening, and inspirational. Sometimes, through conversation, you find our or realize someone else's talents or potential - exciting. Other times, you are able to share your thoughts or feelings about a specific piece - whether an actual piece of art, theatre, movie, or song - these types of discussions are thrilling and moving.

I've found out through the past year that I may have so many more talents beneath the surface than I ever could have imagined...and not because I noticed them, but because outside sources told me and made me acknowledge them. That's a good thing. I embraced. I said "yes." And I allowed them to come to fruition...as much as I could. However, now I am at a place where all of these different talents are trying to escape, to emerge, and it's a bit overwhelming because I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'm living the life of an artist - my room has papers with notes, sentences, song lyrics, a word - written them. Scattered around, in piles, on top of clothes, coffee mugs, books. They may mean nothing to someone else - or even me - but at the same time, they're all inspiration. Inspiration that was taken and jotted down...I may not use it today, tomorrow, or even this year, but one day I will...and maybe one day I won't, but if I don't write it down, it never even has the chance to exist.

My issue with these realizations is that I feel as though I have too many eggs in one basket...and more are being added everyday. I gladly accept. Though, I am an organizational and sometimes anal person that likes things orderly, and I tend to overanalyze. This ball of creativity that keeps building inside needs to be let out...somehow; I just need to find the correct avenue to express it and allow it to exist...and I will...and it will. Time.

I just watched the video of the last performance of "Rent" on Broadway. Amazing. The acting was phenomenal. The pure passion was oozing from the pores of each person on stage. I love it. There is nothing better in the world than that feeling. I have my own closing night on Friday - of "Shudder." This show has been such a thrill and a journey for me. It has really opened me up to become a better actor, to explore realms I never dreamed existed, and to make friends I never would have had otherwise. It's always a sad, and yet exciting event -closing night. Sad, because, for this show inparticular, we have been together since November and will have had ten performances together. We've become this family and relies on each other for support and helps each other out - on and off the stage. We've become an ensemble. And THAT is why it has resonated with every single audience member that has seen the show. THAT is why people still remember and quote certain lines, certain scenes. I was at an event last night and someone had seen the show and he said his favorite line was "I'm just a man on a wagon;" one that I had said...he saw it Opening Night. This may not seem like a big deal, but he saw the show over two months ago and still remembers exactly what I said and how I said it? It was the commitment that went along with my character and line that made him laugh, that made him remember, and that made him quote it back to me two months after first hearing it. THAT is why we do theatre: because it effects people - in whatever form it may be...which brings me to: Exciting - Closing night is exciting because it is a springboard and a send off for all of us to go out, try something else, and inspire and effect people in other forms and ways. It's a chance to embrace another challenge that lies ahead, to explore and discover, and to overcome the obstacles with unimaginable and indiscernible results. It's sad, yet exciting.

Last night was the closest the moon has been to the earth in 18 years. It was bright. It was full. Today it is raining an inch an hour in Los Angeles. Life is ever constant, ever changing.

The storm

Getting a grasp on life is difficult...definitely not an easy task...and as much and as hard as you try, sometimes it's just always just about to slip. The thing is - you have to keep the firm grasp, that confidence, that belief that you can do it, and the knowledge that it will get better...it will, and it always does. Sometimes, you have to make it through the storm to get to the rainbow. I'm still fighting the ever-changing winds, and dealing with rain, the hail, and the sleet, however, I can see the clouds are beginning to clear. The gray is parting and the sun is trying to shine through. Soon enough, it will. Until then, I'll keep my umbrella handy, my rain boots in tact and my slicker zipped - ready to brace what the universe has in store.

Have you ever felt that you are better than what you are doing? or that you could be doing soooo much more. You're more knowledgeable, intelligent, gifted than what your life is currently giving you? I'm in that place. However, I feel it is a test; a lesson if you will. A lesson in patience. A lesson to teach that I can be so much more, and that I have so much more to offer. Each day I am taught that I have different gifts or talents that I could and should use. Without working at Starbucks or without working zumba, I wouldn't have the opportunity to realize these things. If I was handed everything, I don't think I would ever get an opportunity to realize my true potential or what all I have to offer myself and the world. As much as I hate it sometimes, and it pains me to say this, it's kind of a blessing in disguise. Each day I learn from myself, from my co-workers, from my customers...I'm constantly learning - about me, about life, about the business, about the world, about the simplicities and the complexities each day entails. I have to learn this stuff before I can ever get ahead or where I want to be in life. I will always be a student; an observer and learner of all of the things around me.

I must say, as difficult as life may be (only because of financial reasons), I have never felt more comfortable living somewhere. I feel like I belong here. I was driving to the airport today to pick up Melissa, and as I was driving I was thinking about...well, everything. The comfortability my current residential status, the comparison of me living in LA vs. NY vs. MI. All very different, all parts of me, yet this is where I feel the most at home. It's as if I was meant to come here. Have you ever done something and you just feel so right about it? Through the good and the bad? Sort of like the stars are aligned? That's how it feels. As tough as it gets here, I still feel that it's so right. All the time. It's bizarre, and yet truly amazing inspiring all at the same time. It's where I need to be, and I can only go upward from here.

In regard to my daily life - I've been working at Starbucks about 40 hours a week, which pretty much consumes my life...that's ok, I need the money. The problem is that it's starting to wear me down. My patience is waning and I don't love it anymore. I'm still putting in 110%, I still love my co-workers, but the tedious and copious amounts of responsibilities are starting to get to me. I'm really good at whatever they have me do (because as I said, I put 110% into it), so they always have me do a lot...it sucks. I'm not complaining, but it feels like a punishment sort of because they always have me do things because a. they know it'll be done correctly and b. they know they can count on me. Kind of a backward form of flattery?

"Shudder" only has two more weeks left. I have absolutely loved being a part of this production, but I think I'm sort of ready for a break from it, too. If they ever remount it, I would LOVE to be a part of it. However, I think a small break from it is exactly what I need. I'm really excited to bust out these last two weeks and make them the best ever. It's been a wonderful journey and I've learned so much throughout the process. I've truly become a better actor by being a part of this production. It has opened me up more, and allowed me to be more free, as well as explore deeper within myself for a character...to allow the "weird" to come out. It's amazing and freeing, and the end results are phenomenal and rewarding.

"If you can dream it, you can do it." - Walt Disney