A Look Back...

Well, it's that time of year...that time of change, of new year's resolutions, of goal setting, of a new year, and this time, a new decade altogether. It's also a time for reflection; a look back on the past year's successes, obstacles, life lessons, pivotal moments, friendships, and life changes. I don't know about you, but 2010 was a jam packed year filled with so much, it's hard to believe that it all happened in only 365 days. Amidst it all, I went through my own transformational changes as an individual growing into my own skin, and learning new things about myself. I've mentioned all of that before, but each moment in life really has an affect on a person and can ultimately change who they are. Here are some memorable events, good and bad, that have occurred in 2010. Below you will find sentences and thoughts; all of which are taken from my journals that I have kept and updated almost everyday through this year. There has been laughter, there has been tears, but all in all, it was a good year.

Rang in 2010 at "Carnival," a Coney Island Themed Bar near 14th St., Union Square in NYC with Julie and Rachel. Got a cold. Had some interesting dreams involving change. Started back up with the Intergenerational classes. Danced a Tango with Whitney for the seniors at the Hallmark. Got cast in "Dismissing Robert Fink" at the Manhattan Rep. Theatre. Had a rough day; prayed by the water. Danielle began making me an actor's website. Attended the NYC WSU Alumni get-together; re-connected with staff members and met former students. Had an amazing voice lesson. Had an audition; didn't get the role. Had another audition; didn't get the role. Asked for a raise because I can't pay my bills and I am doing more than my job duties; got denied. Had a breakthrough with the intergenerational class. My cousin passed away from a brain aneurysm. I cried...a lot. Began looking at life differently. Began questioning what I'm doing. Applied for a new job; was rejected. Applied for two others; was rejected by both. Had an audition; didn't get the role. Had a day of smiling and laughing. Had a breakthrough voice lesson. A snow storm hit NYC. Had an audition; had a breakthrough thought moment; realized I had a passion for film. A friend told me they were proud of me...for everything. Mr. Wall announced to the staff that when the health inspector came to The Hallmark, she said it was the best pool records/cleanest pool she's inspected. Received my "one year of service" certificate from The Hallmark. Had an inspirational dream. Helped a friend in need. Thought about moving to LA. Realized at work, I only get compliments from the residents, and complaints from the staff. Decided to move to LA. Worked out my plan and asked my friends in LA what they thought based on their knowledge of me; positive responses. Received positive feedback from friends. Received super negative feedback from friends. Attended an interview to be a banquet server; realized it wasn't right for me. Was re-inspired after a talk with Val and seeing "One Night, One Chair" at Studio 5. Laughed a lot at rehearsal for "Fink." Got frustrated at work. Danielle came to visit. We saw Mary Poppins, ate amazing pizza, and had dessert at Serendipity. Booked a trip to visit LA. Opened "Dismissing Robert Fink" to excellent and positive audience reactions. Found out a former co-worker was now a millionaire because she founded a website called "texts from last night." Realized an idea and the belief in it was all it took to be successful. "Fink" was extended for an extra night because of demand. A friend told me they believed in me wholeheartedly. An audience member at "Fink" recognized me from "Ampersand" and praised my talent. A resident told me I was exceptional. Worked the Hollywood themed party at The Hallmark. A resident from our class passed away; the last thing she said to me (at the Hollywood party) was "I love you." Re-evaluated important things in life. Sang "Good Thing Going" at Steven and Warren's master class; acting and singing was top notch and blew the class away; a high point. Went to Studio 5 and used one of Per's new "healing" masks; felt high and cleansed after. Read my first NYC journal; learned a lot. Re-read my Moscow journal. Realized I'm making the right decision to move. Was with Marnie and Whitney on the subway and someone came up to us saying "I must have just run into Ford Modeling Agency." We said no. His response "No, really. Stay beautiful; keep smiling." Jumped in the pool and rescued a resident. Found out Scream 4 was filming in MI for the summer; made a goal to be in that movie. Received an e-mail from a friend saying he believed in me. Visited Michigan for Easter. Was told I was anorexic because I had lost 15 lbs. since Christmas. Had a good time with friends and family. Got in a fight with a good friend because I've changed. Self confidence was being confused with conceitedness. Sat in the sun. Got my job back at the GPW pool for the summer as a lifeguard. Arrived in LA; felt a jolt of energy. Knew it was the correct move. Went to the beach. Hung out with good friends. Flew back to NYC rejuvenated and knowing I was doing what was right. Recorded a Glee audition. Co-choreographed and performed a line dance with Whitney at the "State Fair" themed party at The Hallmark. Had my tarot cards read at the party; proved the move was right. Began receiving skepticism and negative responses from friends for my decision to move. Was cast in "Buried" at the Looking Glass Theatre. Watched Crystal on CSI. Danielle graduated. Had brunch with Julie at an all you can drink sangria restaurant. Worked the Hawaiian themed party at The Hallmark. Was offered a promotion for the Head Guard position at GPW for the summer. Jeremy came to visit. Met Lea Michele. Received an e-mail from Nicole offering me a part time position in WSU admissions as their e-mail correspondent for the summer. Flew to Michigan for Clare and Nate's Wedding. Reunited with my friends. Ate chicken wings at the midnight bbq. Victoria and Jack asked me to stand up in their wedding. Was confronted by the exec director of The Hallmark and told I was an integral part of the place and I would be missed. I was shocked. Watched the "Lost" season finale. Made one of my favorite residents cry when I told her I wasn't going on vacation, but was in fact moving. Had a little "going away party" at Marnie's with Marns and Whit. We had sangria, dinner, coffee, laughed a lot, and they made me a slideshow and gift basket. My department at the Hallmark/the residents through me a surprise going away party. I was blown away by their compassion and love. I cried. They gave me money to help me on my way. I was told by a 94 year old woman that I had changed her life. I was told by others that I impacted their life, I was a grandchild to them, I would achieve great success, and that I was special. I had a joint going away party/birthday party with Julie and Val at a country bar with my friends. We laughed, we cried, we drank, I rode the mechanical bull. "Buried" opened and was a crowd favorite. JP came to move me back to MI. My last evening in NYC was spent eating dinner at P.J.'s in Battery Park with JP, Julie, and Marnie. Bank account hit zero for the third time in two years. Was promoted to Supervisor at the GPW pool. Had a hard time adjusting to Michigan life. Got a job as a waiter at Shogun; quit after two days. Met up with Crystal, talked about life. Was re-inspired. Signed with Real Style for extra work. Kicked a drunk guy out of the pool; had to call the police. Met up with Julie for Sangria in Ann Arbor. A guy peed on a child at the park; it became huge news, the media was having a frenzy, and the parents were going crazy. Went bowling with the lifeguards. Sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart" with eight friends at karaoke night, along with "Summer Nights" and "New York, New York." Marnie and Paula came to visit for the weekend. Had a second midnight bbq. Was cast as an extra in "The Reasonable Bunch" for three days. Danced with Demi Moore. Was cast as an extra in "Scream 4;" my goal for the summer happened. Was personally directed by Wes Craven. Planned and attended the lifeguard end of the year party. Was cast as a lead in a short film by Poison Apple Entertainment entitled "Hallowed End." Learned a lot from filming. Joined a gym. Visited Trish and some lifeguards at Grand Valley. Re-read the Harry Potter series. Was approved for and bought a 2011 Ford Focus - in my name. Ate lunch with Danielle at Plaza Mexico every Friday. One of my residents passed away suddenly. Hit the road to LA with mom. We were sick for the car ride. Stopped in Phoenix and had dinner with friends. Made it to LA. Signed my lease. Went to the beach, the Hollywood sign, Madame Tussaud's, Walk of Fame, with mom. Spent the day at Disneyland with mom. Job searched. Went on an audition; didn't get the part. Attended the "Skyline" premiere and after party and supported Crystal. Went on another audition; didn't get the part. Flew to New York to be in the production of "Tuesdays at 4" at the Museum of Jewish Heritage. Our dream of bringing our intergenerational class to the stage was happening. Met up with friends. The weekend was filled hugs, kisses, and love. The show was a success. I was told repeatedly by audience members that it "changed their life." Being back in NYC, I realized LA was the right move. Won a bag of Starbucks coffee. Read a book recommended to me "Breaking into Hollywood;" I realized I was at the "stage" in the book where I was ready to work. I cried because I had followed my heart and was now in the right place. I re-read "The Alchemist" for a fourth time; found new things within. Applying for jobs was now a full time job. Was cast in "Shudder" at Zombie Joe's Underground Theatre in North Hollywood. Was cast in a MFA Directing student's student film at UCLA. Had an amazing experience, was on a sound stage, and learned so much more about my craft. Had Thanksgiving at a neighbor's. Jeremy was in town; hung out with him. Was cast in the Project Student Film Company's acting troupe for their next four independent films. Began rehearsals for Shudder. Got a job offer at an assisted living facility; I declined. Got a job offer to teach zumba to seniors; I accepted. Got a job offer at Express; I declined. Got a job offer at Starbucks; I accepted. Got a call from the assisted living facility offering me more because they wanted me; I still declined. Starbucks offered me benefits and flexible hours. Started at Starbucks, quickly became friends with the employees. Taught my first zumba class; it was a success. It rained for about two weeks. Had a breakthrough at rehearsal. Flew home for Christmas. Best Christmas I've had in a long time. Saw friends, saw family, relaxed, laughed, smiled. Was welcomed back at Starbucks with friendly and warm greetings. Taught my second zumba class; it was a success. Drinking a cup of coffee and thinking about what movies to watch and bring in the new year with...

I wish you the happiest and healthiest of New Years. Cheers to you and to what 2011 has in store for you. Ring in the New Year with positive thoughts and good energy, and a year with that kind of energy will ensue.

Take 5

Heed your own advice...It is so easy to dish out advice to your friends, your family, and even yourself...yet, how often do you actually take your own advice? As you are now wracking your brain for these instances, I'm just going to go ahead and say that you, on many occasions, do not take your own advice. I am at fault here, as well. However, once you realize it and confront the issue, make the change and see if your amazing advice to others works for yourself. This particular topic came to my mind because I have been working on the script for the play I am doing. In this play, I take on two supporting roles, as well as some minor ones. Tonight, I was working out these two characters and trying to figure out who they were, etc. I began getting frustrated because what I was "thinking" of was not working. What I should have realized was that "thinking" was my problem. Just as I say that we should all strive to just live in the moment and be ourselves, I need to take this advice and put it to my character work. By just allowing the character to "be," he will develop. From there, you can make new discoveries, figure out what makes them tick. So, once I stopped "thinking" and began "being," the characters were born and I became more productive, and I progressed with my work. Listen to yourself once in a while...you might have some really great advice.

It is so crazy how literally one week ago today I was stressed about getting a job. Currently, I am in a position where I have to turn down three different offers from three different companies that I have interviewed with. It is amazing and insane how things work out in life. One cannot even begin to try and figure it out...because you can't. And that's ok.

I had my first day of training today at Starbucks. Everyone was extremely nice there. The manager is extremely caring and passionate about his work as well as his employees. That kind of ethic shows because it is one of the busiest and most successful Starbucks in LA. That being said, I'm sure you can understand my slight feelings of overwhelming. Not only am I training to work at a huge corporate company, I am also walking into a line out the door and almost any given moment of the day. I know it will be fine; it's just those new job jitters. Remember what those feel like? I do...I usually get them every year...because I'm generally starting a new job every year. Oh, my life. Anyway, everything will be fine and wonderful and amazing once I get the hang of things; it's just the anxiety that settles in the meantime that can kind of take effect. One day at a time. One moment at a time. What's also great is that the manager said that I would be scheduled for night shifts mostly, which is awesome because it a. won't conflict with the exercising seniors and b. it (shouldn't) conflict with auditions. Funny how things have a way of working out, right?

Do you have a place that you like to go to where you can just sit, be alone, think, and breathe? The one place that relaxes you. The place where you can breathe in fresh air, and exhale out all of life's problems? all of your stresses? all of your worries? I've had that place everywhere I've lived. In Michigan, it was at a certain point on the boardwalk at the Grosse Pointe Woods Lakefront Park where I overlooked Lake St. Clair. In New York, I had two places: 1. Bryant Park - here my creativity flowed, whether I was writing, reading, going over a script; this place worked. 2. My bench in Battery Park overlooking the Hudson River. I would arrive to work a half an hour to an hour early most days, coffee in hand, and sit down on my bench. Here, I would just breathe. Let the calming wake mesmerize my soul and take me to a state of relaxation and ease. It was the most beautiful way to start my day. In California? Santa Monica beach is only 25 minutes away. I know which parking structure I will most likely find a spot - because it is off the beaten path. The beach is so big, I can find my own space and sit, or I can walk across the sand while my feet are being gently washed with the slow and steady incoming tide. Looking out across the vast and endless ocean, the sun's rays heating you from billions of miles away; all your worries and stresses are gone. Breathe in the fresh and salty air, and exhale out all of your problems. I spent my afternoon at the beach today. I can surely tell you it was refreshing, it was needed, and a sense of calm was re-instilled within me. I could not be happier to have the sands and the ocean so close to me.

On that note, I don't know how I'm going to fare once I get back to Michigan on the 23rd for Christmas, what with all of the freezing temperatures, ice, and snow. Mom, Dad - my winter jacket is hanging in the closet in the basement; please bring this to the airport when you pick me up. :) I am so excited to see my family and my friends. I was looking through some of the pictures I have on my computer from past Christmases (not many pics, shockingly), and all of them carry with them some truly fun memories. I'll share a few pictures with you. Please feel free to reminisce, smile, and be reminded that you are loved.

JP, Steve, and myself spreading holiday cheer.

As Bob Cratchitt in "A Christmas Carol" at the Bonstelle Theatre

My family last Christmas

And who could forget "Black Nativity" at the Bonstelle Theatre? Here I am as a Magi.


My first Christmas season in New York City, Val and I walked up and down Fifth Ave. and took in the Christmas spirit that NYC had to offer.

Last Christmas at Shores Inn. Old friends + new friends + Christmas cheer...and of course, some sassiness has to be thrown in.

I am proud to say that I have some of the most supportive and best friends in the world. Sean, Em, Jamie, and Melissa all made the trek over to the D to see me in Black Nativity.

My second Christmas season in New York City. Martha, Whitney, Marnie, and I checked out Rockefeller, walked up Fifth Ave., and shared some dinner and wine with amazing company.

Merry Christmas!

Seize the Day

It is absolutely amazing and astonishing that everything tends to fall on the same day, or come to fruition at the same time. I have not been writing because the last couple of days I was called in for interviews, had to run errands, etc., and by the end of the day - I was beat. Exhausted. Drained. Well, that's sort of how I am right now, too; however, I felt a blog post was necessary.

I was offered (and I accepted) a job at Starbucks. I am thrilled, first off, that I got a job. Secondly, it's for a company that I love. Let's be real - I am practically their unofficial (and unpaid) spokesman (Please refer back to my love of the holiday cup season. yea.). I think this will be an excellent opportunity to use my people skills, talents, and be in a good environment. On an acting note, it will be AMAZING to be able to meet (ahem, study) all of the different characters that come in. In case you didn't know this about me, I am an avid people watcher, but not a people watcher in the normal sense. No. I really study them. (Please don't be creeped out, it's all for acting, I swear.) I take in their physicality, their little unique nuances, their voice and accent. I also try to figure out their back story, or I create stories for them at the present. (Anyone that has gone to a bar with me knows I make up stories about the people there.) Anyway, this is an excellent resource for me because I will be getting paid to do character study everyday. I did this in NYC, and ended up with spot on characters of some of the seniors. (Marnie used to answer the office phone and think it was me pranking when it was actually the seniors calling. haha) This type of work is invaluable for an actor. Why? Because in the future, when I am developing a character, something about one of the people that I have studied may strike me, and in turn, will be able to be used for a character. Fascinating, right?

I had my first rehearsal today for "Shudder" at the Zombie Joe Underground Theatre in North Hollywood. It's a new play based off of the Grimm's story "The boy who went forth to learn what fear was." It's a very interesting and intriguing play. Definitely something different from what I have done before because of the content and the blood that is involved. Yes, blood. However, it is an amazing experience so far. The set will be minimal. Therefore, the scene changes, sets, atmosphere, will have to be established by the actors. The actors have to bring their imagination to light in such detail, to which it will bring the audience into this world with them. This is very similar to what we did with "Vincent" at Studio 5; scene changes occurred by the actors changing the atmosphere. Brilliant acting that involved total focus. It's very ensemble driven. This means that the entire cast works together to transform either themselves or the scene. For example, today we worked out how two people were going to be a gnarly old tree. The end result, a beautiful gnarly old tree. That is what I mean about the imagination also. By the actors being so committed, the audience is drawn into that world, and in their mind they are able to see every piece of that tree -from the bark, to the branches, to the leaves barely hanging on. I am so excited to see what else will come from this. For me, personally, I feel like this is going to be an amazing opportunity to grow. Already, I have explored some of the uncharted waters in terms of my acting ability that I didn't even know existed. That is both exciting and exhilarating.

Afterward, I headed over to the Project Studio Film Company's Meet & Greet. I was able to meet the other actors I will be working with in the coming months, as well as the crew that will be working on these films. (Backstory for those who don't know. The Project Studio Film Company is an independent film company that cast a group of 16 actors for their "acting troupe." For the four independent features they plan on filming in 2011, they will be using these 16 actors as their principal characters. I was cast in this troupe.) It was great to meet all of these other artists and hear the passion that they have for their craft, what they are doing currently in their careers, where they came from, etc. I don't know too much else...except the first film is titled "Second Chance to Live" and begins production in January. They're hoping that the films will be picked up by major distributors, which in turn will mean that I get paid. :)

One month and seven days. That is how long I have been in LA. I can hardly believe it has already been that long. Time really flies by. What I do have to say, though, is that I have spent every day here "seizing the day." Yes, I take time to chill out, relax, and veg out, but I have also been busting my butt every single day searching for jobs, applying to jobs, submitting to auditions, going on auditions...I keep going. I guess my drive is one of my better qualities...and my persistence. When I put my mind to something and set a goal, nothing can get in the way of me succeeding. Patience. Persistence. Drive. Seize the day, for you never know; that one day may change your life.

90210

Have you ever wanted to be in a place where you are constantly showered with praise and compliments? A place where you are flirted with, winked at, and told how handsome or beautiful you are? What if I told you that this place existed...and that I have been there. Would you believe me? You should - I speak the truth...and I was there again today. The place? Well, today it was the Sunrise Assisted Living Facility of Beverly Hills. (Still want to go to this place of validation?) Every one of the 85-100 year old women that walked by the front desk where I was sitting, stopped to ask the concierge who I was, and then began fueling my nonexistent ego with their compliments on my appearance and smile. The meandering whispers of "Oh, if I was younger" and "Oh boy" began to wander over to my ears from the hallway. I speak no lies. Mind you, I'm used to this by now after working with seniors in New York for about a year and a half. It was just funny to be back in this scenario. So, there you have it. If you're ever feeling down about the way you look, go to a senior home, smile, and be warm. I guarantee you'll get some type of compliment in return. A note of caution: if you're looking for this sort of validation and do in fact travel to a senior home, avoid the woman who looks like she may bite you if you talk to her. Most likely, she will. :)

I am a pretty free spirit. As you know, I am very in tune to myself and my body, or try to be at least. Well, I know that my body does not agree with running; it reflects its dislike for this sport by filling myself with all sorts of ailments afterward so that I won't do it again. So, generally I don't go for runs. However, last night/this morning I had too much energy in me to not go for a run. So, I did. It was amazing. The sky was this gorgeous blue, clear of any signs of clouds, the sun's rays hitting my arms and face as I ran. The 72 degree weather warming up my soul. That was this morning. It is now evening. My left knee began throbbing about 3 hours ago, my lower back began hurting an hour ago, My upper back just began hurting, and I have a headache. (Yes, for some reason I get headaches when I run.) I know that tomorrow, the pain in my back will increase...because this happens every time. I knew going into this run that I would be reaping the after effects. So, the big question is: do I wish I could take back the run? HECK NO. Yes, I should have listened to my body, however, I actually was still listening to it. It was asking me to go for that run. It was begging me to go for that run. Yes, I may be physically hurting, but spiritually, I feel rejuvenated. What more could you ask for? Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Everyday, I am sort of reminded that Christmas is just around the corner. I am ridiculously excited that I will be able to spend the holiday with my family. Besides that, I have a few other favorite parts of the holiday season. 1. I love the Starbucks Holiday cups. Why? Why not is more like it?! It's one of those times of year that I look forward to most (besides Pumpkin Spice Latte time...but that's a whole other blog entry just waiting to be written); when the holiday cups come out. It brings joy to my life and I am instantly in the holiday spirit. 2. Christmas music. I LOVE Christmas music. There are a few songs I absolutely despise of course, but otherwise, I love me some yuletide cheer. It makes me feel warm inside. It reminds me of the past - of Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, of decorating the tree, making Christmas cookies, hanging the stockings on the fireplace, the anticipation of Christmas morning, the sea of wrapping paper covering the carpet on the 25th, Christmas mass, being with the family. However, it also brings me to the present. There is nothing more comforting in December than wrapping in a blanket with the Christmas tree lit and a mug of hot chocolate, tea, or coffee, while Christmas music plays in the background. Favorite songs? 1. O Holy Night 2. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas 3. Baby, It's Cold Outside 4. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire). What's your favorite Christmas memory or Christmas song?

On that note, I'll leave you. I suggest you grab that blanket, that Christmas music, that mug of something good, and just relax while looking at the Christmas tree. It's a beautiful thing. It really, truly is.



p.s. New opportunities may have arisen...I'll keep you posted.

Bi-Polar? What the heck?!

Have you ever had a period of time in your life where your emotions and moods were like the rockiest, curviest, and droppiest (yes, I made the word up. I can...it's my blog. Besides, you know what I mean anyway) roller coaster ride ever?! Better yet, ever strap into this roller coaster cart for a day and almost get flown out of the cart on one (or more) of these curves? Welcome to my day...days...week? Eh, whatever. You get the point.

It's utterly shocking and amazing that in a span of maybe three seconds you can go from being absolutely elated and high on life to being absolutely miserable and unhappy. How does this happen?! Well, I'm sure there are a lot of scientific explanations involving data composed from a, b, and c that were dealing with x, y, and z. Yea, I don't care about that stuff. Who needs an exact answer or some "proven" data? The key is to just step back, look at yourself/your life from an objective point of view, make your observation and realize what can be done differently to change it positively, and then step back in. Simple response? Yes. Easy to do? Not always. Sometimes life hands you lemons and you can make lemonade, and sometimes life hands you half of a lemon, to which you are able to add some flavor to your (free water). Other times, you may be given just the lemon rind...What do you do with the rind? Well, that's up to you and what you want to make of it. You're not always going to be offered amazing things in life; therefore, you must work to realize the benefits of the not so amazing and how you can transform these things into something truly out of this world.

As you know, I have had the exciting and rewarding (I'm lying) journey and task of job searching in Los Angeles for the past few weeks. So, finally, people are calling me...as in I got three calls for three different jobs in one day. I should be ecstatic, thrilled, right? However, I was downtrodden and narrow minded. I was thinking too much of the future, too much of "what will happen if?". Therefore, there was no way I could be happy for myself. That's bogus and stupid (is what I told myself...after allowing myself to wallow for a while. ugh.). Ok, so I may be getting paid less than what I "need," or I may be feeling like I can do "better" because I am an intellectual individual with so much knowledge on such a vast variety of subjects. So, what. What do I have now? Answer: nothing. Something is better than nothing. AND, they're great jobs with really great people, and all of them will end up having a positive affect on someone else. What more could you ask for, right? I needed to get myself out of the pit of self despair and pity and start to revel in the opportunities that have risen. There's always a reason...and the reason is...

I am an actor. As much as I may doubt myself at times (I mean, let's be real, who doesn't?), I am a bona fide actor. It is what I am meant to do. It is my calling. it is my own personal legend. How can I be so sure, you may ask? How can I be so sure that that is what I am supposed to be doing for the rest of my life? Because my heart has spoken to me and I have listened. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Yes. I have tried other things in times of doubt and when I have found I was good at something else. Eventually the novelty would wear out and I would find myself in a state of unhappiness. Once I figured out why, I began to realize that it wasn't right. Performing is the only thing I have ever done, that I have ever been a part of, where I don't dread going in to rehearse or film, where I enjoy doing (and looking for more) work outside of work. I am on a high before, during, and after filming, rehearsals, or shows, during character work, research, everything. It's the time when I am challenged and I live for the challenges. I can use every ounce of my being to perfect my work, my craft everyday. And ultimately, I cannot see myself doing anything else. If that doesn't speak volumes, then I don't know what does.

My point (because, as you know, after one of my long winded ramblings and conversations, I generally (most of the time) have a point...unless I forgot what I was talking about of course...). Anyway, my point is...it's a good thing that I'm able to realize that, yes, these opportunities are great, and I'll always give 110% while at work; however, they're still just a survival job. They are a means for me to support myself and make sure I can pay my bills, put gas in my car, and buy that organic almond milk from Whole Foods that I love so much. They are that "stepping stone" I spoke of previously. You can't leap across a lake or ocean, you have to build a bridge, or even an ark (took a note from Noah on this one) - one piece at a time. They will make me a stronger and better individual for it.

Ok, so you were handed a lemon. Fine. You made lemonade. I was handed a lemon rind. I added it to my cocktail for a splash of zest, in my canolli filling for that intricate flavor, made some lemon cookies, and added it to my lemon pie. Oh, and I gave myself a cleanse. You keep your lemon. I'll keep expanding, creating, and building with the simplicity of my lemon rind.

"All dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

Life is funny, isn't it?

It's fascinating the cards that life deals you. Is it fate? Is it predetermined? Does everything happen for reason? And in turn, directly affect something else that happens later in life? Sort of like a stepping stone, if you will? I, personally, feel things happen for a reason - people we meet, experiences we encounter, skills we learn; they're all there to make us grow.

I spent the last two years living in New York City. A year and a half of that was working with seniors. That's not what I moved there to do; I'm an actor. I needed a job. A lifeguarding position came up; I applied, and I got the job. Yet, it became so much for me than that...because I enjoyed it. I became friends with people who told the most amazing (and true!) stories and have lived the most extraordinary lives. By listening to their tales of love, of misfortune, of pain, of joy, of daring; I began to respect life more. I began to take in more of it. I appreciated this sometimes mistaken and forgotten generation, and tried to gain as much as I could from them. I've always been told I have an old soul, as well as a warm one, but I never really knew what that meant...and I don't know if I still do...and that's ok. You don't need to understand everything in life; you just need to be able to live it.

I bring this up because I feel like I have been fighting forces to find a job. I'm a newbie in a large city; having only a few friends physically present for support and comfort when I'm down. As I pursue my acting career, I still need something in the meantime to provide me the financial support to live. I have been spending the past few weeks, from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, applying for jobs. I would like to say this is an exaggeration, however that would be a lie. Whether I am applying for jobs online, or walking into restaurants and retails stores to submit my applications and resume, it has been a full time (and let me add -exhausting) job...a nonpaying one at that. However, sometimes, you just have to step aside and look at what talents you possess already and build off of those...even better if it is something you enjoy doing, even if it isn't necessarily your career choice. For me, this is working with seniors. Of all the jobs I applied for, the only two that got back to me were for work with seniors. Maybe my cover letters had a little more enthusiasm? Maybe they could feel my warm energy through the e-mails? Or maybe, it's just my calling at the moment. I don't know. What I do know, is that I am thankful that these came up. As I said, there is a lot that I have learned from my seniors in New York, but maybe there's still a lot more that I need to learn about this generation. I'm always eager to listen, to learn, and to better myself.

To relish in the happier state I was in, I decided to treat myself to dinner instead of making one of my (am I being pretentious if I use "amazing" as my adjective here?) salads. I opted for this Thai restaurant I attended a few weeks ago with my roommate over on Santa Monica Blvd., not too far away from my apartment. I walked in and the host asked "to go...or seating for one?". I literally stood there for about oh, three seconds, and stared at him inquisitively...all while pondering this simple question. (Oh, the difficult questions in life.) I opted to stay. I found a lovely, and rather lonely looking, table in the front corner of the quaint restaurant right next to the front window. I scooted on in to the bench and gently placed my hand on the menu and said to the waiter in a comforting tone, "I know what I want," and then I ordered my chicken pad see ew and glass of water. This turned out to be a peaceful, and actually relaxing, meal. I have not gone out to eat by myself in a while and I forgot how much I truly enjoyed it. There's a sense of freedom that comes with it, a sense of confidence, of contentment, that comes with the simplicity of eating alone. By the end of the meal, as well as the last verse of "That's All" that was playing overhead, I was refreshed, relaxed, and ready to take on anything. Amazing, right? Have you ever gone to a restaurant and eaten by yourself? It's strange, but so many people have an issue with it and feel self conscious about it. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Just breathe in, breathe out, relax, and enjoy the meal, the ambiance, your thoughts, the music. Take in what's around you. Ask yourself questions you don't usually ask yourself. Be daring. Be bold. Be you. And to that - I toast you.

Just Breathe.

My life has changed dramatically since the last posting over a year ago in my New York blog. I, personally, have changed, as have my surroundings. Along with the current differences, there have been amazing experiences in between. Everyday, a new opportunity arises for one to take in, learn from, and ultimately be affected by. That is why I am beginning to blog again; to make sure that everyday I am keeping my eyes open, I am taking in my surroundings, and I am living life to the fullest - as best as I can. I have encountered way to many people in my life, and especially the last few years, that exist. That's it. They simply exist. They do not live. They do not breathe in the fresh air, admire the nature that exists around them, stop to hear the waves crash on the beach, or even partake in a face to face and deep conversation. I'm not going to pretend that I don't get caught up in the rush of daily life and forget to stop and enjoy living, because I do. I'm human. However, acknowledging this realization will make for the beginning of a new level of awareness, and in turn, a more fulfilling life.

I have been on a quest for my own personal legend, following my dreams and listening to my instincts. It's a road that I will be traveling my entire life, and I am thrilled that I have listened to my own heart and am open enough to allow myself to continue down this path. There have been an insane amount of obstacles, and there will be plenty more. There have been the negative and condescending individuals who try to bring me down with their words, actions, and jaded views, but their energy bounces off and does not settle within me. I will encounter people like this the rest of my life, and that's ok; I just hope they can find their own personal and inner happiness in some fashion. Along with these obstacles, I have had my guides to assist me along the way, both in the physical and present form, as well as the spiritual. I have been blessed with the gift of friends...true friends. These amazing people lift me up each day, encourage me, and ultimately are there for me in every way. It's as if (as cheesy as this may sound) they each complete me in their own way...I am a living being made of various parts and pieces, and each one of these special people in my life is a puzzle piece in my own jigsaw puzzle of life.

Anything worthwhile and noteworthy does not come easy. If it did, then the appreciation and respect for your desires would not be as expansive. Of course, life would be so much easier if everything was handed to you, but would I choose that route? Absolutely not. I have had experiences through the good and the bad that have molded me into the man I am today, and the man I continue to grow into and become. I am noting this because of my own current events occurring daily. I have made the move, literally cross country, to again follow my instincts and my bliss, and pursue my acting career. I am an actor. I am a singer. I am a dancer. I am an entertainer. Performing is the one thing that elevates me to a whole different level of living. It is when I am happiest, when I feel so at home, when I am on a natural high, when I feel energized, when I feel like everything is so right. Feeling that bliss is unequivocal and utmost rewarding. It is a testament that you have listened to your own heart and are pursuing your life's desire and quest.

And so, I say to you: What is your heart's desire? Have you shot it down because of your own doubts or because of society's views? Or have you allowed yourself to listen and are currently traveling down this road? My wish for you is to be happy. Go outside. Breathe in the fresh air. And remember to not just exist, but to really live. Live life...you only get one shot at it.