I'm ok.

Sometimes, all it takes is a walk to remind us of our true purpose, and bring us back to the path that we are treading in life.  Everyday we are faced with failures, opportunities, love, hate, positivity, negativity, and everyday we decide which facets take a hold on our day, on our life.  It's been said that we are our harshest critic, which may be true.  How far do you have to be criticized, though, to find yourself lying in bed facing a wall without the will to get up and embrace the world.  How many negative thoughts need to be directed your way before you curl up in a ball and cry?  How many people have to stomp on your dreams to bring you to a place of hopeless reality?  The problem is that this outward hostility goes unnoticed and unaware by the person emitting such negativity.

I find myself to be a relatively strong individual.  I wear my "armor" when I leave my home to take on the day.  I strive to be positive and loving to anyone I may cross paths with.  I flash a smile to those passing by, I say hello to someone I may or may not know; I acknowledge.  I, however, don't always get the same in return.  I get sneers, I get "why are you so happy?", I get looks of surprise for saying a simple "hello."  What's wrong with this picture?  I work in the customer service industry, and sometimes, people just come in ready for a fight or they are not willing to allow your sincerity to cross into their own lives.  That's fine.  I'm not saying this because I want something in return.  I'm mentioning this because some days, it hits closer to home, and because of my vulnerability, it may affect me differently and really bring me down...as is what happened this weekend. 

There was no specific instance.  There was no one person.  There were plenty of people who were super sweet to me, actually.  I, however, had gotten sick.  Whatever was going around, I finally caught it.  Nothing crazy, but enough to make me feel lethargic, my throat like sandpaper, and my nose like a constant drip from a broken faucet that just won't be fixed.  Needless to say, I did not go out with my armor on.  I did an excellent job of not allowing my true feelings to show when in public, however, if the walls of my bedroom could talk, they would tell a different story.  I was so mean to myself.  Criticizing myself for every little thing - from my weight to my hair, my looks, my face, my clothes, my talent, my decisions, and even going so far as to making myself think I'm not worthy enough to have the friends I have.  WHAT?! That's so not me.  What happened?!  I allowed myself to fall to the wayside.

I went for a hike this morning to "clear my head," as I do any time I feel I am in a weird place.  My thoughts flowed, the endorphins took over, the sun shone on my skin, and my positivity began returning.  My reasoning and justification behind each decision I have made for myself made sense.  Everything I have done and decided to do has helped build me who I am today.  I am not unworthy to be in anyone's presence, least of all, my friends.  I have been there for them, and they there for me.  Friendships are not defined by money, career, social status, or intelligence, but more-so by a bond, an unexplainable connection that has brought you together, to make each other better.  Each day is a stepping stone on this path, a part of the journey.  I find myself often looking toward a destination and forgetting to take in this journey every now and then.  It's moments like this morning that I need to remind me to make that time for a friend, to make that time to go for a hike, to make that time to soak up the sun.  Every day is a gift.

This past weekend was a roller coaster ride of emotions with a smooth finish.  It was a lesson in life that I have passed with an A.  I share this with you so that if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, that you will go outside, breathe in some fresh air, and take a walk.  You will be reacquainted with who you are, and your heart will be able to speak to you once again without the clouded judgment of a gray and negative atmosphere. 

Take a walk.  Live life.  Enjoy the journey.

Closing out 2012

 MONDAY DECEMBER 31, 2012

 New Year's Eve with Mattie and Nick.  We went to our friend Josh's place.  We laughed, played music, sang, lit sparklers, yelled; it was great.  Very low key, which was what I wanted.  I got a bunch of texts at 9pm (midnight eastern time) from all of my East Coast loves, which made me feel special, as well as a call at midnight (3am eastern time) from my mom to wish me a happy new year.  It's going to be a great year; I can feel it.

 SUNDAY DECEMBER 30, 2012

 This is the notebook I've been journaling in for the past 62 days documenting my progress with my own "63 day challenge."  I set a number of goals for myself with a conclusion date of December 31.  Everyday, I wrote my progress, my thoughts, and what I needed to work on.  It was an excellent program for myself, and I'm excited to start it again with new goals.

 SATURDAY DECEMBER 29, 2012

 

 Leaves on the ground in LA.  It's funny.  Before I went to MI, we had warm weather.  The Fall.  I went to MI, had snow, came back, and had Fall.  So, warm weather is up next?  Yep.  The forecast for the week is sunny and in the 70's.  Why not have all four seasons in a month span?

FRIDAY DECEMBER 28, 2012

 I was Oscar-sitting!  I love this little guy so much, and don't be fooled by the picture, he loves me too. haha.  He just doesn't like when I like to do photo shoots with him.  I loved coming home and seeing his little tail wag like crazy and him running around doing this crazy deer prance thing that he does.  He's such a goof.  I'm glad I get to watch him every now and then since I can't have a dog of my own right now.

THURSDAY DECEMBER 27, 2012

 

 I came home to a stack of Christmas cards.  I put them all up and it made me smile.  Christmas is my favorite holiday for a variety of reasons, one being that it is a time that everyone puts everything aside, and you get to spend designated quality time together.  It's a time to let those that you may not have talked to all year, know that you think of them and still love them.  Christmas cards always bring a smile to my face; I hope the ones I send out do the same.

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 26, 2012

 

 On my last day in Michigan, we got a blizzard.  Sure, it was great to see snow.  However, nonstop snow is a little excessive for my tastes.  7 1/2 inches and hours later, I was nervous my plane wouldn't take off the following day.  (Luckily it stopped, and I took off on time.)  I wanted to see snow - well, I definitely got it. 

TUESDAY DECEMBER 25, 2012

 

 Cassie under the Christmas tree on Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's.  I just love her so much and am so blessed to have had her in my life for the past fifteen years.

MONDAY DECEMBER 24, 2012

 

 I met Tora and Jack's baby, Alexander for the first time (in person.  I met him via skype after he was born) on Christmas Eve.  Tora put him in my arms, and he grabbed my finger.  It's amazing how you can have so much love for someone after meeting them only once.

SUNDAY DECEMBER 23, 2012

 

 Bar Night.  Met up with Julie for Margaritas because she was in town from NYC to see her family, also.  Then, headed up to Shores Inn to meet up with the family and some other friends.  Pictures (L to R clockwise): Julie and I with Margaritas.  Yum.  Mark, Nicholas, and I with Mark's best friends from high school/now close family friends Anthony, Chris, and Kevin.  Danielle bought "mini beer" shots for herself, Nicholas, Julie, and me.  Julie with my family.  The thing I love about my family and our friends is that we all adopt each others' friends, and they adopt each of us.  It's good to have good people.

SATURDAY DECEMBER 22, 2012

 Met up with Steven downtown and we went to some of our old stomping grounds including Old Main, Cass Cafe, and even Apt. 2 at the Renaud.  It was so weird to be back, but also cool to look back and see how much has changed within the last four years since I've graduated.  The left picture is of Old Main, where we spent all of our days in class and rehearsals and the right picture is of us with our One Cards at Cass Cafe, where we spent all of our days after rehearsals and classes.

FRIDAY DECEMBER 21, 2012

  

 Danielle threw Nicholas and I a party at Uncle Mike's for our welcome home/end of the world.  We're drinking Bell's Winter Ale.  Love Bell's Brewery - supporting Michigan breweries.  

THURSDAY DECEMBER 20, 2012

 Flew back to Michigan today to spend the holidays with the family.  First stop: Grandma and Grandpa's.  Pictures: Grandma broke out poppyseed early so we could share some. Danielle, Nicholas, Lola, and I sitting on mom when she went to go relax on the couch.  Me with Cassie and Lola.  The bottom right is when I first came home and Cassie wanted all of my attention.

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 19, 2012

 One of the reasons I love Cali.

TUESDAY DECEMBER 18, 2012

 Terah and Steven came over for a little game night action.  We started off with Disney Monopoly and then moved on over to "Coffee Talk."  So fun.  We talked and laughed wayyyyy too much.  Even though we're all only able to see each other maybe once every couple of months because of our schedules, I'm glad we're still able to be in each others' lives.

MONDAY DECEMBER 17, 2012

 My annual LA Family Christmas with Matt, Mattie, Lo, and I.  We started this tradition last year, and continued it onto this year.  We made amazing mexican food, drank some delicious beers and wine, opened our stockings and gifts, and ended the evening by watching Toy Story.  Such a fun night.  I am so thankful for my family out here.

 

SUNDAY DECEMBER 16, 2012

 

Cannoli day!  Mom headed over to Aunt Anne's to for their annual tradition of making cannoli shells, noodles, and gnocci for Christmas.  Mark and Julie headed over to help.  Looks like so much fun.

SATURDAY DECEMBER 15, 2012

  

 Fall? in LA?  Yep.  I was, again, walking, and came across this tree with fall-ridden leaves and almost bare branches.  So beautiful.

 FRIDAY DECEMBER 14, 2012

  

 Saw this on a walk today and thought it was pretty cool.  There's beauty everywhere, you just have to keep your eyes open.

THURSDAY DECEMBER 13, 2012

 Mom and Grandma went to go see "Jersey Boys" today downtown.  I still have yet to actually see this show.  They absolutely loved it, though.  I love that in recent years, they, along with Danielle, have been going out and seeing more theatre.  I tell them which ones they need to see, and when the show comes to town, they head on down to the D to check it out.  There's nothing like a night out at the theatre.  Dinner and live theatre - an evening can't get much better.

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 12, 2012

 Scotty had us over and we played/sang Christmas carols, made Christmas cards, talked, ate, drank, and laughed.  Such a fun Christmas evening.  Here's Nick playing a song while Mattie tries to learn piano.

TUESDAY DECEMBER 11, 2012

Every year I send out Christmas card with a picture of me and something that represents me or where I'm at; I started this in NYC.  My first year was me in Times Square, second was in front of the Rockefeller Tree, Third was me on the Santa Monica Beach, Fourth was in front of the Hollywood sign, and fifth being this one at Paradise Pier in California Adventure at Disneyland.  Getting the annual pass for Disneyland for my birthday was such a perfect gift; I've already used it so much.

MONDAY DECEMBER 10, 2012

 Mattie and I headed to Disneyland to take in Christmas at Disney for the last time.  Such an awesome day.  We went on our favorite rides.  We ate some delicious food.  We made new friends with people in line.  We drank Red Trolley Ales.  We tried new rides.  Very relaxing and fun day.  I love that I can just escape to Disney with a good friend and take myself on a mini vacation.   Very thankful.

SUNDAY DECEMBER 9, 2012

(Part 2)

I received this picture form my mom via text after I had already posted the last update.  However, it clearly needs to be in.  Today was the annual pieroge making day.  Mom, Danielle, Victoria, and Aunt Vicki headed over to Grandma's to make pieroges for Christmas.  Love them.