Realizations...

This morning I went on my computer, per usual, and began my ritual checking of sites - facebook, gmail, etc. On facebook, someone had posted a video of some music (I, for the life of me, cannot remember what it was, and don't feel like backtracking my day...because I honestly don't remember who posted it either. Not important to the story...), so I clicked on it. As you know, you tube is a whole web of links and other music. Eventually, I ended up at a music video for Michale Jackson's "We are the World" which was re-recorded in 2010 with superstar artists to benefit Haiti. It was such a beautiful spin and a stunning remake. I'm not going to lie - I definitely teared up. I tend to do that when I see or feel so many people so passionate about one thing - in this case, it was to help other people in the world so that they could live. When you have so much good energy, light, love, and passion pouring out from one central source - it's like the rays of the sun - blinding, warm, and powerful.

I walked down the street with the sun's rays enveloping my body and warming my soul, and eventually reached my little black-as-night Ford Focus. I opened the car door, sat in the sweltering heat for a moment and turned my key in the ignition. Windows open. Warm air blowing past my cheeks and swirling in the emptiness in my car. That song was still resounding in my head; it had made a lasting effect. Then the thought hit me: I know what my ultimate goal is. (Backstory: I talked in a blog post a few months ago that many people have been asking me what my "ultimate goal" was, or where I see myself in 10 years, where I want to be, etc. My answer is generally "I don't know" or "happy." I never had an ultimate goal - I just know of things I want to accomplish...) Ok. I decided that my ultimate goal is: to make a difference in the world. Vague? maybe. However - powerful. I have always been a dreamer, a planner, but I have always been a person that if I set my mind to something, I always accomplish it. Some of the people in my life say that's something they can definitely say about me - is that no matter what I say I'll do, no matter how outlandish it may seem - if I say I'm going to do it, they know I'm going to do it. Therefore, I'm stating now: I am going to make a difference in the world. I will make a difference hands on, as well as through my talents, gifts, and craft. Those are some pretty big words to fulfill, but I know that I can accomplish it. As much as I believe in myself and think of myself and my goals, I also just as selfless and loving and caring.

In Eat, Pray, Love, the character of Liz has a birthday coming up. At this time, she is staying in Bali. She emails all of her friends and tells them that instead of her throwing a big birthday party and receiving lavish gifts, she would like them to write a check instead so that the healer in town, and single mother, may buy a home...because divorced women were looked down upon. She raised $18000 and the woman and her daughter were given a house. A house. A home. Something that so many of us, even myself, take for granted on a daily basis. The simple act of giving, of being selfless, is the most beautiful trait a person can possess and act upon.

I spent the morning going over my script and developing my character. I spent two hours just walking around the apartment as this character, running lines, improvising lines, finding the character's personality and physicality. I researched different aspects of the character that pop in my mind and I maybe wouldn't understand or would need a visual for. For example, the elements of fire, the color purple, an old castle, a sorcerer's cloak - all things that connect with the character in some way. Putting these together and "inside" what I am doing when developing the character help the process to flow, to be organic, to be free and original. I had an absolute blast. I was, again, re-inspired. How could this not be what I spend my life doing? The amount of work, passion, and love that I put into what I am doing is rewarding and fulfilling. That being said, we had our first rehearsal since the table read today. The difference between this rehearsal and the first rehearsal of "Shudder" is astonishing. I am so much more free, so much more prepared and ready, so much more creative, daring, and bold with my choices. I feel like a true professional in my craft. It's amazing the transformation that I have gone through not only as an actor, but as an individual, even in just these past few months. It's thrilling.

I was talking to a friend the other day; an actor friend. She said that she had just reached the point where she called herself an "actor." I congratulated her and told her I understood. People, including myself, for so long would say "So, you want to be an actor" or "I want to be an actor." I was even actually ashamed at times to say I was because everyone in the city was and actor, and there was a stigma about it and was this profession was sometimes looked down upon. Then, at one point in NYC, it clicked and changed over to "I am an actor." Why should I be ashamed of who I am? Of what I'm good at? Of who I am? I shouldn't be. I should be confident because I know myself. Therefore, when people said "Oh, so you want to be an actor," my response became "No, I am an actor." There's the difference...the difference between me and all of the other people vying and pushing and shoving to get their chance in the spotlight. I am me. I don't play that game. I love it for the art, for what acting gives to me and to what it gives to the people who get to see me perform. It's much more than just "acting," it's an opportunity to tell a story and change someone's life, to make a difference...and then it comes full circle for me, right? To make a difference in the world...

I've quoted it before, I'll quote it again:

"If you can dream it, you can do it." - Walt Disney

I have big dreams, big plans, big hopes, lots of love...

The Naked Grape

The title of this post is the brand of Pinot Grigio I am drinking right now. It was only $6, and is amazing. It's the right amount of dry with the right amount of sweet. It's perfect...and perfect for me in this moment. I find that when I become sad, upset, or down, a glass of wine and a good talk with a friend is all it takes to bring you back to your normal self. That being said, don't you find it amazing how how your friends know exactly when you need them to call you? I was kind of having a rough day, for many reasons - some trivial, some recurring - all issues that can be easily overcome, and when I got home from work I just lied down on my bed. Here I was, a twenty five year old curled up in a fetal position on my bed because I couldn't luster the energy to do anything else. I decided it was time for my pick me up - a glass of wine and some veggie pizza. On my way, a friend called. We talked for an hour about anything and everything, and by the time the phone convo was done, I was back to myself. Isn't it amazing how certain people can have that effect on you. The crazy thing is - they're not even trying: they're just being themselves. Do you ever stop and wonder why certain people were put into your life and at the exact times they were put into it? I do, but then I have to stop myself...because I wouldn't have it any other way and I am so thankful that I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life.

I worked at a different store today. It was really bizarre. I'm ridiculously close with everyone I work with and they're my closest friends outside of work, too. So, being in this new place was so weird and new to me. The store was really small and really slow - completely opposite of mine. And the people I worked with enjoyed drama - completely opposite of mine. I felt like there was more of a competitive atmosphere when they would discuss their "other" lives - outside of Starbucks. aka modeling, acting, etc. Whereas, at mine, everyone is sooooo supportive of everyone else and is only encouraging and uplifting to you and whatever it is that you do. While working at this store today, I literally stopped and thought and questioned...why was it that out of everywhere that I applied, and all of the different Starbucks I applied to, why was it this one that I ended up at? I know it was because I meant to have these beautiful people in my life as an addition to my family. I cannot even express how blessed I am and feel. It's amazing.

Speaking of amazing people - Jamie Lynn is coming to visit this weekend. I cannot even wait to have her in my life. It has been far too long. The last time I saw her was when mom and I stopped in Phoenix on our way to LA. It's going to amazing and wonderful. Her, Melissa, and I will get to spend the whole weekend together. So excited. Then, in June, Julie is coming to visit, and I CANNOT wait for her to get her butt here, either. In less than a month I'll be in Michigan celebrating the marriage of Jack and Tora. I can't believe it's already this close! I'm stoked to see the family and be stupid and ridiculous and laugh a lot. A lot of great things coming up in the next couple of months.

Live in the moment. Breathe in Today.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love again. I feel like I may be on this quest, as Liz (the title character, played by Julia Robartes) is. She ventures across the world - to Rome, India, and finally Bali to find a balance, a peace, an understanding. Throughout the course of this journey, she meets new friends, experiences anything and everything, and learns from every experience. I'm already sort of that way with the way I live my life. I do also feel I need to visit Bali sometime...soon. At times when I feel the lowest or like I cannot climb back up once I have fallen, I find the positivity and the light and I get myself up, stick on a band aid, and continue journeying through life. There's a quote from the movie that I wrote down and loved, "Ruin is the road to transformation." How true that is. Sometimes you have to get to the bottom to find your way to the top. It's what's in between that makes all the difference.

...I have been sitting here for 15 minutes pondering "Ruin is the road to transformation" while staring in space and allowing my mind to wander. I advise you to do the same and see where it takes you; you may be surprised by your visceral journey.

Another Time and Place

Cheering. Joy. Happiness. Smiles all around. Hugging. Kissing. Celebrating. This was my eye witness experience today at Venice Beach. The lingering smell that was in the air? Oh, that would be the smell of marijuana. I never knew how big of a holiday, if that is what it is, that "420" was. If people could be that happy all the time, the world would be such a better place. It was as if everyone was just genuinely happy to be alive and everyone loved everyone. Now, I've never touched the stuff in my life, nor do I have a desire to, but today's events proved to definitely make our day at the beach an interesting and fun one.

The crazy waves at Venice Beach

It's amazing how the warmth of the sun can make you feel like a different human being. The winds that touch your face give you a feeling of hope and love. The salty scent washed in from the ocean gives you that feeling of comfort. The sounds of the waves caressing the sandy shores or crashing against the rocky barriers that give you that sense of calm and freedom. The sensation you feel at the close of the day after spending hours in the wake of all of these sensory experiences. Today was exactly what I needed. Isn't it interesting how sometimes you are led to situations that you need that you don't even necessarily know you need? I needed a day with no stress, no worries, no feelings of foreboding, and that is what I got. I got a day with nature and a best friend. What more could you ask for? It's an amazing feeling to have a friend that you can either spill your guts to, or walk or sit in silence, but in essence, enjoy each others' company. It's a rarity, and I consider myself blessed to have a few of these amazing souls in my life.

Melissa and I trying on hats in Venice. Mad Hatters?

Impulse. I'm not an impulsive person. Rephrase: I never used to be an impulsive person. I would never just go out on a whim and do something. I never went to the movies without checking the listings first. I would never just buy something on the spot because I liked it. Is it really impulse, though, or is it listening to your heart? to your soul? I'm not quite sure I believe so much in the word impulsive anymore, as I do listening to your heart. Impulse is maybe led by your heart and your soul and the reason you follow these instincts is because you're in tune to it? Not sure. Point is: I bought a bracelet from one of the vendors on the boulevard today. Out of the many, many, many stands, I was drawn to this particular one...actually, Melissa and I both. My eyes went directly to the bracelet. I picked it up. Put it on. And bought it. Instantly. We were at the table for maybe 30 seconds. That generally is not like me. However, who is me? My thoughts? My mind? The meanings behind the beads and the colors represent so many aspects of me...the fact that they have meanings is a huge thing for me, too. I love having things around me with meaning and stories. That is why I love my paintings and pottery pieces in my room so much - they were all created or given to me by people I love. The pictures I have up - all represent some beauty in my life and an exciting excerpt from my journey. My kitchen table - owned by the talented Myrna Dell from the 40's. Everything was created, used, loved, and has a life and a story from the moment it was created in someone's mind eye until it was physically visible to the naked eye. I appreciate the life of each item.

Take life in and allow yourself to be in another time and place once in a while...you'll feel refreshed and alive.

Let It Be

Random occurrences of inspiration are surprising and welcoming all at the same time. The last few days have been just that. I've had my "eh" moments, of course, I mean, I work with the general public on a daily basis...I'm going to have my moments. Aside from that, though, I feel like I'm in a good place. I'm sort of becoming rejuvenated; as spring is reemerging, so is a lot of my creativity.

I think my transition has a lot to do with my conscious effort to make a change, a cleanse if you will. I began my healthy lifestyle again that I used to be pretty hardcore about. I'm checking and making sure I know exactly what is entering my body - reading labels, buying certain foods and not buying others, skipping the high sugar or sodium option for something healthier...and in just the few days I've done this, I've felt a dramatic change in me. I actually feel lighter. I feel freer. I feel rejuvenated in a sense. I felt so bogged down when I wasn't feeding my body what it needed. This just goes to show how much a simple change in diet can totally change your daily life. On top of that, I'm making sure I wake up early to work out a bit, as well as become productive. It's a really great feeling to feel accomplished. Instead of stressing about all of the things I have to do, I'm focusing more on the moment and doing what I can...You're only one person. Besides, stressing does nothing except make you feel miserable. By consistently looking at everything ahead, you forget to take in the present. Sometimes you don't even realize you are doing this until the moment is passed and you're looking back on it...So, a note to you: take in everything around you, every moment. Breathe the air, smell the winds, feel the sensations around you, and smile...because you are living.

When I see something as a result of someone's passion, I am inspired. When I hear someone speak of something they are passionate about - whether acting, writing, teaching, or even accounting - I am inspired. When I see people truly enjoying what they have set out to do in life - I am inspired. To see someone follow and accomplish their dreams - I am inspired. To see someone smile - I am inspired. It's a beautiful gift to have a passion and a love for something so great that once you are there, all you can do is revel in the beauty and share it with the world. That's what your passions are there for, right? To breathe it in, to allow it to encompass you, and then to ultimately share and influence. Glee inspired me tonight, as it usually does. Why? Because these actors came from nowhere and are doing what they love everyday...what I love...singing, dancing, and acting...and they're sharing they're passions and gifts with the world and making a difference - that's the best part. They are constantly changing lives and truly inspiring, with whatever storyline or song that may be present at the time. I hope that I will have the opportunity one day to share my passion like this, to make a difference, and to ultimately change someone's life. I want to use my gifts and talents to give back...in whatever form "giving back" may take - whether it's to make someone smile, to make someone shed a tear, to relate to the character, to the song, to open your eyes to some important issue. I just want to give and inspire with what I have been given. People always ask me what my "ultimate goal" is, and honestly, I never truly have answer...or an answer they like. It isn't to win an oscar, or an emmy, or to be on the cover of a million magazines (although those would be great along the way), it would be to make a difference...to give and inspire with what I have been given. Yep. I think that sounds about right.

I found out today that one of our customers' dogs passed away this weekend. It got me thinking about Cassie and how much I love and miss her and can't wait to give her a big hug and kiss when I'm home in May. She's the most amazing dog in the world...almost human, as Grandpa would say. She's been a best friend through everything and I love her...and I also love our newest addition to the family, Lola.

Sleep

The sun's rays have been been poking at me from around corners, through the leaves and branches of the trees, through the window shades, through the clouds, and through all of the sky so that it may leave kisses on my skin. It has succeeded. Although the past few days have been absolutely beautiful and warm, I have been stuck inside looking longingly at a vibrant sunlight that I am used to having soak my skin for 8 hours of work a day. However, in the little bit of time I have had outside, I have managed to garner a slight golden flavor to my skin, and it makes me a happy and healthy individual.

I'm on a course of reorganization and transformation. I have been reorganizing my life and attempting to consciously put in the efforts (which is a lot) to better myself and continue forward on my path of life. Each evening, or as the day goes on, I have begun to make lists of things to do that I, in fact, have been accomplishing by day's end. This is a huge feat considering I do not have much time in a day because my shift at work is generally 12-8:15 - right in the middle of the day. However, everything happens for a reason, and I meant to be doing what I am currently doing. Good things come to those who put out good energy. I was reminded this week of a time in my past when I used to get frustrated with the little things - minuscule actually. It's pointless, and negative energy like that doesn't need to be thrown into the universe; there's enough of it. I'm now at a point that if something is really irritating me, I step back, breathe, analyze, and step back in realizing that it is better to look at things from a different perspective. This is somewhat difficult at times because of the rudeness that many people display on a daily basis...after a while it gets to you. I will, however, be making even more of a conscious effort to not allow these things to effect me...and I will succeed.

At the beginning of the month, I had a feeling that a lot would be happening really soon...and I was right. I was just cast in another production at Zombie Joe's Underground Theatre; it's a new play based off of Hamlet. I'm really excited to be in another production and be able to use my artistic abilities to create characters; I love it. The director had seen me in "Shudder" and called me to be in her show because she enjoyed my performance so much. I was truly honored and taken aback by the phone call, and am thrilled to be a part of it. On another acting note, I have gotten three auditions within the last two days. However, I cannot make two of them because of my now full schedule. That positive energy just needs to continue to be sent out and good things will return. I'm in love with the present, but I am excited for what the future may hold, also.

One of the greatest things about my time in LA so far is that I have made some truly great friends and met some really amazing people. It's funny how the universe has a way of throwing certain people into your life. I have been blessed with the people and friends I now have in mine. They make me laugh, they make me smile, and they complete me. It's a beautiful thing.

Wild Ride

In the past three weeks I've managed to be in four major cities, three states, got to hug most* of my best friends and family, and have had the words "I love you" come out of my mouth, as well as said to me, literally at least 350 times. Crazy, yet amazing, right? Here's my story.

So, a few weeks ago, I trekked my little booty the six hours up to Burlingame, CA (For those who don't know - Burlingame is just south of San Fransisco...it's actually where the San Fransisco airport is) to attend a Zumba workshop so that I could become certified. Why did I make this journey by myself? Because it needed to be done. Something was telling me to go, the exact amount of money I needed fell into my lap as I was about to sign up (which was, of course, a huge sign), and so I went. The workshop itself was fun and rewarding and great and everything. However, I pretty much knew everything already. Now, I am licensed and can work more, etc. The real reason I think I was meant to travel up to NoCal was to free my mind. Has your mind ever felt so cluttered and full that you feel like it's one of those old school metal filing cabinets that have manila folders and papers squeezed inside and falling out the tops and sides because there's too much in one drawer? That would be my life at that time. The six hour drive was a freeing experience. It's a beautiful drive through mountains, through vast open air, through weird towns; it had it all. I sang at the top of my lungs. I caught up with some of my friends over the phone (Thank the Lord for the sync system in my car. I'm in love.). I danced. I laughed. I cried. I lived in the moment. I allowed my mind to clear. As you know, I love to overcome challenges, no matter how hard they may be at the time.

(Pic taken on my drive to Burlingame)

I feel like on my way home, I was living a literal metaphor - you have to get through the storm and face your fears in order to become a stronger individual and get to the successes. I faced A LOT of my fears on that journey home. 1. I don't like driving at night, especially when I don't know where I am. 2. I get nervous driving in rain because it reminds me of my horrible car accident. (RIP 2006 Cobalt) 3. Driving on mountains scare the crap out of me. 4. I don't like fog. These four bulletpoints = my drive home. I had HEAVY rain, many mountains and curves, fog, and dark, dark night since I was in the middle of nowhere. Although my face was practically on top of the steering wheel and my hands were white from gripping the wheel so tight, I made it home...and I actually felt a sort of accomplishment by making it through...Another transitional phase in my life - overcome.

I went to New York City two weeks ago to perform with my "Tuesdays at 4" group. It was so amazing to be with my best friends there. And to see all of my beautiful and amazing seniors. It was an emotional three days because I was just so happy to be there. Have you ever felt so much love that all you can do is be brought to tears? That was me. To hear over and over and over again by about 150 adopted grandparents "I believe in you and I can't wait to see you on the screen" "We pray for you everyday that you will get that big break!" "I love you! We miss you!" is an overwhelming and pretty unexplainable feeling. Your body feels light and your mind is clear because it is full of warm and peaceful thoughts. It's such a great experience to be around amazingly positive people...and that is all I surround myself around. On that note, I laughed so much those few days. It was so great to catch up with my friends and reminisce, share new stories, laugh, be goofy, and ultimately, be in each others' presence.

Marnie, Julie, Danielle, and I wrecking havoc on the streets of NYC.

Clearly, when you're best friends, you dress the same without trying. Whit and I.
Martha and I with our standard Times Square picture

The "Tuesdays at 4" performance was, once again, a huge hit. The doctor for all of the Brookdale communities flew to NYC to see the performance. The board of directors for NYU's Rusk Institute were in attendance. The floor of the theatre was completely full. The audience laughed. They cried. They experienced it with us. At the end, compliments were pouring out. Audience members said they weren't scared of aging anymore because anything is possible. (I mean, let's be real, when you see a 100 year old woman shaking her booty on a stage - anything is possible.)
I visited Margot, one of our performers (99 years old) in the hospital before I left. She went in a couple of weeks ago because of some heart problems that can't be fixed because of her age. She was thrilled, overjoyed, and surprised to see me. She said that the night of the performance she was watching the clock and saying "They're at the theatre now." "They're getting makeup on and eating now." "They're going on stage." "They're performing now." And she lived through the performance in her hospital bed. That's the kind of impact this class has on its students and the people that come see it. Remarkable. We gave her a recap of the performance, talked and laughed, gave our kisses, and headed out. I'm so glad I was able to stop by and see her...

I went to Vegas last week to meet up with Mark and Julie. What an experience. Vegas is insane. Two nights was definitely enough. I don't know how people can stay there for an entire week and gamble. Crazy. I had an amazing time with Mark and Julie, though. We laughed. We talked. We experienced Vegas. We went and saw the Treasure Island pirate show, which was pretty neat. What I loved about it was that it got so many audience members standing outside this casino. This just goes to show that even people who say they don't live "theatre" or whatever, love to be entertained. I mean, who doesn't love singing, dancing, a little acting? It's such a part of our everyday lives, yet people want to automatically turn themselves off to theatre because it has a stigma? Weird. Everyone loves to be entertained, and they need to embrace it. Look at the old movies with Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Judy Garland - everything was a musical and they were AMAZING. I think it's slowly making a comeback...Anyway, Vegas. Yes. I wont $15 my first night. Whoo. The next day we roamed around the strip and took in all of the crazy and amazing architecture. It's so crazy to say in the same sentence "I'm standing at the Brooklyn Bridge an staring at the Eiffel Tower." Even weirder that I've been to both of those places. Being here made me realize just how much I've seen in the world, and I haven't even seen that much! Being able to recognize firsthand the things in the New York casino as well as the things in Paris casino were pretty amazing feelings. I am definitely a traveler; I'm meant to see the world. Whenever I think of that, I think of the story that grandpa always tells me that never gets old - I love hearing it. He always talks of when I was born. How I looked right up at him and took him in. I was observant and took the world in, trying to understand it all. I'm definitely still that way, and I really think it's one of my greater attributes.

Can you see Paris behind us?

I came back to LA to find my friends and second family that I love and truly missed. They, too, were excited to have me back and hear my stories. It's so nice to have that in a brand new place. It's crazy to think that in November I knew one person here. Now, I have an entire second family. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Mattie, TJ, Lo, Jonathan, Matt, and I hanging out on Venice Beach last night.

Smile. Live. Laugh. Love.