Realizations...

This morning I went on my computer, per usual, and began my ritual checking of sites - facebook, gmail, etc. On facebook, someone had posted a video of some music (I, for the life of me, cannot remember what it was, and don't feel like backtracking my day...because I honestly don't remember who posted it either. Not important to the story...), so I clicked on it. As you know, you tube is a whole web of links and other music. Eventually, I ended up at a music video for Michale Jackson's "We are the World" which was re-recorded in 2010 with superstar artists to benefit Haiti. It was such a beautiful spin and a stunning remake. I'm not going to lie - I definitely teared up. I tend to do that when I see or feel so many people so passionate about one thing - in this case, it was to help other people in the world so that they could live. When you have so much good energy, light, love, and passion pouring out from one central source - it's like the rays of the sun - blinding, warm, and powerful.

I walked down the street with the sun's rays enveloping my body and warming my soul, and eventually reached my little black-as-night Ford Focus. I opened the car door, sat in the sweltering heat for a moment and turned my key in the ignition. Windows open. Warm air blowing past my cheeks and swirling in the emptiness in my car. That song was still resounding in my head; it had made a lasting effect. Then the thought hit me: I know what my ultimate goal is. (Backstory: I talked in a blog post a few months ago that many people have been asking me what my "ultimate goal" was, or where I see myself in 10 years, where I want to be, etc. My answer is generally "I don't know" or "happy." I never had an ultimate goal - I just know of things I want to accomplish...) Ok. I decided that my ultimate goal is: to make a difference in the world. Vague? maybe. However - powerful. I have always been a dreamer, a planner, but I have always been a person that if I set my mind to something, I always accomplish it. Some of the people in my life say that's something they can definitely say about me - is that no matter what I say I'll do, no matter how outlandish it may seem - if I say I'm going to do it, they know I'm going to do it. Therefore, I'm stating now: I am going to make a difference in the world. I will make a difference hands on, as well as through my talents, gifts, and craft. Those are some pretty big words to fulfill, but I know that I can accomplish it. As much as I believe in myself and think of myself and my goals, I also just as selfless and loving and caring.

In Eat, Pray, Love, the character of Liz has a birthday coming up. At this time, she is staying in Bali. She emails all of her friends and tells them that instead of her throwing a big birthday party and receiving lavish gifts, she would like them to write a check instead so that the healer in town, and single mother, may buy a home...because divorced women were looked down upon. She raised $18000 and the woman and her daughter were given a house. A house. A home. Something that so many of us, even myself, take for granted on a daily basis. The simple act of giving, of being selfless, is the most beautiful trait a person can possess and act upon.

I spent the morning going over my script and developing my character. I spent two hours just walking around the apartment as this character, running lines, improvising lines, finding the character's personality and physicality. I researched different aspects of the character that pop in my mind and I maybe wouldn't understand or would need a visual for. For example, the elements of fire, the color purple, an old castle, a sorcerer's cloak - all things that connect with the character in some way. Putting these together and "inside" what I am doing when developing the character help the process to flow, to be organic, to be free and original. I had an absolute blast. I was, again, re-inspired. How could this not be what I spend my life doing? The amount of work, passion, and love that I put into what I am doing is rewarding and fulfilling. That being said, we had our first rehearsal since the table read today. The difference between this rehearsal and the first rehearsal of "Shudder" is astonishing. I am so much more free, so much more prepared and ready, so much more creative, daring, and bold with my choices. I feel like a true professional in my craft. It's amazing the transformation that I have gone through not only as an actor, but as an individual, even in just these past few months. It's thrilling.

I was talking to a friend the other day; an actor friend. She said that she had just reached the point where she called herself an "actor." I congratulated her and told her I understood. People, including myself, for so long would say "So, you want to be an actor" or "I want to be an actor." I was even actually ashamed at times to say I was because everyone in the city was and actor, and there was a stigma about it and was this profession was sometimes looked down upon. Then, at one point in NYC, it clicked and changed over to "I am an actor." Why should I be ashamed of who I am? Of what I'm good at? Of who I am? I shouldn't be. I should be confident because I know myself. Therefore, when people said "Oh, so you want to be an actor," my response became "No, I am an actor." There's the difference...the difference between me and all of the other people vying and pushing and shoving to get their chance in the spotlight. I am me. I don't play that game. I love it for the art, for what acting gives to me and to what it gives to the people who get to see me perform. It's much more than just "acting," it's an opportunity to tell a story and change someone's life, to make a difference...and then it comes full circle for me, right? To make a difference in the world...

I've quoted it before, I'll quote it again:

"If you can dream it, you can do it." - Walt Disney

I have big dreams, big plans, big hopes, lots of love...