Bi-Polar? What the heck?!

Have you ever had a period of time in your life where your emotions and moods were like the rockiest, curviest, and droppiest (yes, I made the word up. I can...it's my blog. Besides, you know what I mean anyway) roller coaster ride ever?! Better yet, ever strap into this roller coaster cart for a day and almost get flown out of the cart on one (or more) of these curves? Welcome to my day...days...week? Eh, whatever. You get the point.

It's utterly shocking and amazing that in a span of maybe three seconds you can go from being absolutely elated and high on life to being absolutely miserable and unhappy. How does this happen?! Well, I'm sure there are a lot of scientific explanations involving data composed from a, b, and c that were dealing with x, y, and z. Yea, I don't care about that stuff. Who needs an exact answer or some "proven" data? The key is to just step back, look at yourself/your life from an objective point of view, make your observation and realize what can be done differently to change it positively, and then step back in. Simple response? Yes. Easy to do? Not always. Sometimes life hands you lemons and you can make lemonade, and sometimes life hands you half of a lemon, to which you are able to add some flavor to your (free water). Other times, you may be given just the lemon rind...What do you do with the rind? Well, that's up to you and what you want to make of it. You're not always going to be offered amazing things in life; therefore, you must work to realize the benefits of the not so amazing and how you can transform these things into something truly out of this world.

As you know, I have had the exciting and rewarding (I'm lying) journey and task of job searching in Los Angeles for the past few weeks. So, finally, people are calling me...as in I got three calls for three different jobs in one day. I should be ecstatic, thrilled, right? However, I was downtrodden and narrow minded. I was thinking too much of the future, too much of "what will happen if?". Therefore, there was no way I could be happy for myself. That's bogus and stupid (is what I told myself...after allowing myself to wallow for a while. ugh.). Ok, so I may be getting paid less than what I "need," or I may be feeling like I can do "better" because I am an intellectual individual with so much knowledge on such a vast variety of subjects. So, what. What do I have now? Answer: nothing. Something is better than nothing. AND, they're great jobs with really great people, and all of them will end up having a positive affect on someone else. What more could you ask for, right? I needed to get myself out of the pit of self despair and pity and start to revel in the opportunities that have risen. There's always a reason...and the reason is...

I am an actor. As much as I may doubt myself at times (I mean, let's be real, who doesn't?), I am a bona fide actor. It is what I am meant to do. It is my calling. it is my own personal legend. How can I be so sure, you may ask? How can I be so sure that that is what I am supposed to be doing for the rest of my life? Because my heart has spoken to me and I have listened. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Yes. I have tried other things in times of doubt and when I have found I was good at something else. Eventually the novelty would wear out and I would find myself in a state of unhappiness. Once I figured out why, I began to realize that it wasn't right. Performing is the only thing I have ever done, that I have ever been a part of, where I don't dread going in to rehearse or film, where I enjoy doing (and looking for more) work outside of work. I am on a high before, during, and after filming, rehearsals, or shows, during character work, research, everything. It's the time when I am challenged and I live for the challenges. I can use every ounce of my being to perfect my work, my craft everyday. And ultimately, I cannot see myself doing anything else. If that doesn't speak volumes, then I don't know what does.

My point (because, as you know, after one of my long winded ramblings and conversations, I generally (most of the time) have a point...unless I forgot what I was talking about of course...). Anyway, my point is...it's a good thing that I'm able to realize that, yes, these opportunities are great, and I'll always give 110% while at work; however, they're still just a survival job. They are a means for me to support myself and make sure I can pay my bills, put gas in my car, and buy that organic almond milk from Whole Foods that I love so much. They are that "stepping stone" I spoke of previously. You can't leap across a lake or ocean, you have to build a bridge, or even an ark (took a note from Noah on this one) - one piece at a time. They will make me a stronger and better individual for it.

Ok, so you were handed a lemon. Fine. You made lemonade. I was handed a lemon rind. I added it to my cocktail for a splash of zest, in my canolli filling for that intricate flavor, made some lemon cookies, and added it to my lemon pie. Oh, and I gave myself a cleanse. You keep your lemon. I'll keep expanding, creating, and building with the simplicity of my lemon rind.

"All dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney