Dreams

My car was parallel parked in between a blue 4 door sedan and a black pick up truck. I opened the driver's side door and got into my Black Ford Focus; new car smell still wafting its aroma still after four months of ownership. I attempted to pull out of my spot as my fingers were fumbling to turn on my manual front head lights. Traffic was clear. I pulled out. For some odd reason, my fingers could not find the nob for the lights. I felt like I was fading, like I was in between falling asleep and reality. I found the lights. My car began to veer to the right as my acceleration picked up to about 30 or 40. I knew exactly what was happening, but had no way to control the situation. I was veering off of the road. I knocked out the guard rail on the exit ramp. I passed the signs you generally see on the highway exit ramp. There were houses to my left past the expressway, as well as a green grassy median. As my car was about to come to a halt because of whatever it was that it was about to hit; I blacked out...

I woke up curled up in a ball, clutching my sheets and sweating profusely. It was all a dream...a very vivid and real dream. Did I just have a stroke in my dream? Did I just die in my dream? Was I about to die in my dream? I don't feel this is dream is a premonition, however, it does require me to stop and think about it...and life. Maybe it is a sign, a sign to slow down. Am I coasting through life right now, halfway in reality and halfway on auto pilot? Am I veering to a point where I am losing control? I wouldn't go as far to say that. However, I do think that a part of me has been a little on the negative side because of the daily frustrations and hardships that have been occurring throughout the past couple of weeks that sort of involved...well, everything. That's ok, though. Life is supposed to present challenges. The true test is how you overcome them. The day after this dream, I had my morning cup of coffee...and walked to work. I felt as though a load had been lifted off of shoulders. I felt like a new person with a new aura and a new positive outlook. Maybe a part of me really did die? Maybe not. Either way, it opened my eyes, subconsciously and consciously, and for that, I am thankful.

I had an audition today for a new reality singing show. I got to bypass the open call line because I had an appointment. I found it crazy how people had camped out there the entire morning, and probably all day, to sing maybe 20 seconds of their song. It was a very interesting experience, though, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity. I got to sing, oh, maybe 4 bars of my song and then a "Thank you" came from the casting director. I think I did fine for what I sung, however, I have no idea if it was even close to enough to know if I could even hold a tune. Meh. I'm glad I had the chance to sing. Here's something I did realize, however, that I'm really glad for. So, the last time I stood in front of a microphone and sang was in February of last year when I sang for that benefit performance for the SAVE Animal Foundation. I used to always be nervous and scared when it was me behind a microphone singing...as myself...not as a character. Well, today, we had to sing in the middle of a "stage" area in a sound room. We had the microphone stand, the amplifiers; it was as if I was singing on stage to a room of 10 people...music people. I wasn't nervous. In fact, I enjoyed it. I grabbed the mic, looked around, and enjoyed myself. WHAT?! Yes, it's true. I loved it. I loved holding the mic, I loved owning the stage, I loved singing my song, and I loved having my moment. My nervous energy was transformed into performance energy and I could myself radiating around the room. Amazing. I have come sooooo far in reference to so many things in life and so many things performance related, but for me to be so comfortable singing with a microphone, too? Rock on. That is pretty exciting news.

I have an audition for a short film tomorrow that I am really excited about. It sounds like a pretty awesome project, and the audition is pretty unconventional, but right up my alley. One of the things we have to do is a monologue, but not from a play or movie or anything; instead, it has to be from a story, poem, or lyric. I am doing a monologue from "The Alchemist;" I've copied it down below for you to read, because it's pretty sweet.

"It is not love to be static like the desert. Nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to look at everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. Later, I could see that it was like every other aspect of creation; it has its passions and its wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world will become either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's the power of love. Because when we love, we always strive to be better than we are."

I spoke of Kyle's untimely death last week. This week, my Auntie Ann passed away. She was a beautiful woman with a kind soul and a heart of gold; she was my Grandma's sister. I wish I was at home with the family right now, but circumstances lead me to stay here. That's ok - I am sending my love, thoughts, and prayers that way all the way from the West Coast. I believe that is just as strong, if not stronger, than an actual physical presence. May you rest in peace, Auntie Ann; you will be missed by everyone that has had the pleasure to have been enlightened by your smile.

Love.